I had the weirdest dream last night. I was out travelling in space and somehow got tagged by a planet. For some reason I knew it was Jupiter. It’s just that in my dream it was green in a sort of dentist, minty, chewing gum sort of way, and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t look like that in real life.


Anyway, I landed on one of its moons, which surprisingly enough had quite a lot going for it. For a start they had streets with London double deck buses (oh, but green ones…) and even tiny little London mail boxes. (They were green though.)

But for some reason this planet, Jupiter, kept following me around wherever I went, and in the end it became a bit annoying. It was really big so it felt a bit scary and imposing constantly having it over my shoulder. I tried to explain this, in a polite, yet firm way, but with no success.

Oh, yeah, this is normal…

It went so far that I even managed to suppress my fear of aliens and ended up asking one for help. It was some grey little man with huge black eyes and he was sitting in a sofa, relaxing, in the room I was staying in.

-“Look, I need your help. I don’t really know what to do, but something has to be done. It can’t continue like this. Out of order, really…”
-“Yeah? Sure. I understand. Um…what exactly, though? What’s the problem?”
Me sighing, rolling my eyes:
-“Look out through the window…”
-“Mmm…yeah, there’s a…there’s a planet outside. (Now looking confused:)
-“But why is this a problem exactly?”
-“Because it’s following me!! And it’s not listening to me. It just refuses to see sense! And I thought, well, you being extraterrestrial and all, it might be easier for you to get through to it?”

But the alien didn’t really understand. He almost looked as if he thought I was crazy (and a little bit irritated as if I was wasting his time). It was almost beginning to feel surreal.

In the end I decided the only way was to have a one to one with him.

-“Look, I’m flattered, I really am. You look great and I’m sure you’ve got a fantastic personality. You’ve clearly got a great sense of humor… But it just wouldn’t work out in the long run. You know, me being a girl and you being a…PLANET and all. We’re just too different! That’s all there is to it, I promise. If it wasn’t for that, well, then I would have been happy to go out with you, but you know, it just wouldn't be practical...
Listen it’s not you – it’s me! But I’m sure there’s some nice lady-planet out there somewhere that you will find if you’re just patient…”

He still refused to see my point, so in the end I got on my ship and went back to Earth (in a quick and discrete way so that he wouldn’t be able to follow).

And all well that ends well I guess – at least I’m back!