It's summer!

No, hang on it must be spring, cos spring comes first! And I saw loads of lilac crocuses yesterday, so yes, winter is clearly over. (They are one of my favourite flowers, together with bluebells and water lilies!) Woke up to a clear blue sky and beautiful sunshine and ran out in the garden in just my night dress. I got chased by a bee, but I didn't hit it or run away. Instead I tried my best to caress it lovingly, cos that's the sort of thing you do after a long, hard Scandinavian winter!

And Bee was fine with that. He had a bite of my cheese sandwich, sniffed my coffee and off he went. No conflict. No crisis. No potential catastrophe. I've always said humans and bugs could (in theory) live in harmony, and I meant it!

But I havn't logged in to spread happiness or positivity. I haven't decided to waste 30 minutes of my first day of spring to be nice or friendly or make people get in a good mood. Hell, no! I'm here to bitch and complain!

Take a look at this woman:

There are very few public people who irritate me more than this woman at the moment. She's in the jury of a Swedish program called "Idol" which is very similar to the British "X-factor". And I think her little story secretly goes like this:

Kishti (that's her name), has been watching Simon Cowell on the X-factor and fallen a bit in love. Not so much with him as a person as in with the idea of herself becoming a teeny weeny little version of him and his success. Simon Cowell is famous for being quite honest to the contestants. He's giving them (and his fellow judges) his genuine opinions, and those aren't always flattering. What has happened is that the public thought that he was a lot of fun to watch. He's therefore become quite popular and was soon offered a job doing the exact same thing over in the US. Ok, that's a pretty rosy story. For him.

Now Kishti is trying to do the same thing. But it's just that...well, she's totally misunderstood the whole concept! She clearly thought that if she's just as nasty as possible, looks really dangerous and shouts really loudly, well, then the same thing would soon happen to her as well. Kishti. Celebrated in the States. World famous. Admired all over the planet.

But for some reason it didn't really work out that way. People all over the country is genuinely pissed off and want her off the show. So do the other judges, her colleges, as well as her bosses since there are several hours of footage that simply can't be shown. It's considered too offensive since Kishti is just sitting in a chair screaming and roaring until she's blue!

Channel 4 has put in a shrink who is on stand-by at all times during the auditions. But this psychologist is not there for the nervous contestants, as you may be forgiven for instinctively assuming. No, it's for Kishti!!!

When people are asking her why she's being so nasty (a couple of days ago she was screaming at some girl that she was a "fucking bitch", pushing some guy in the chest and telling a camera guy he was "fucking stupid"), she's using Simon Cowells standard reply while smiling enigmatically:
"I'm just being...honest!"

- No, you're not being honest - you're being a BITCH!

She claims that the contestants are wasting her time since they're not singing well enough.

- No, you're GETTING PAID to sit in that chair and listen to those people! They're not wasting your time... THIS IS YOUR JOB!

She feels she's being provoked. The nervous contestants being scared shitless are, according to her, there to provoke her!

- NO! YOU are provoking US! YOU are managing to provoke the whole Swedish nation between 8-9pm...EVERY DAY!!!

The Bible says "Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself". Let's play with the thought...

Kishti is going to the news agent to buy the evening papers and possibly some milk. The guy working at the till suddenly feels that Kishti is trying to provoke him and is therefore wasting his valuable time! He starts to shout:

- "I feel that you're having an attitude towards me! Are you? Are you having an attitude?"

- "No, n...no I just wanted some mil..."

- "ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVOKE ME YOU FUCKING BITCH?"

Yeah, that would work!

Or Kishti is going to the hair dressers... She wants a new hairdo. The hairdresser suddenly feels the need to express his utmost honesty.

- "Excuse me, I think you would look really fucking ugly in that colour. As in REALLY ugly! I'm just being honest. I think you're insulting not just me, but my whole profession by suggesting that hairdo would suit you. What can I do - I'm an honest guy!"

Ahhh...better.

I just hope that somewhere in this country there will be some bartender or waitress who's got enough guts to refuse to serve her or take her order and say: "Nope, you're not GOOD enough for this place...SOD OFF!!!"